Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
