thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
