I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
