don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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