Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
