i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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