I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
