he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
