I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
