Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
