i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
