My sheets look like a crime scene.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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