if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
