I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
