Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Randomize
