you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
