What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
