Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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