And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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