found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
