I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
