Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
