literally had 100 drinks last night.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize