I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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