she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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