God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
