This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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