Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
