Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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