I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
