Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
