Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My vagina just clenched in fear
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
