He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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