At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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