I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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