Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
