"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize
