Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
