someone threw a dead crab at me
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
