I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
