and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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