Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
