i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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