When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
