Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
