i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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