oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
