are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
