Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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