Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
