I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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