Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
