I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
