So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I need to calm my uterus...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize