the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
