my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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