Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
