xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
