Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
