for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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